Having been married to my other half for 6 years and together for 10 this year children is something we have always wanted. Due to me suffering with anxiety I have never felt strong enough to try for children, fear of giving birth, hospitals etc has always steered me to delay for a bit longer.
I really wanted to enjoy my life a little before having kids so I got the opportunity to travel and do well with work. At Christmas (Christmas Day to be exact) my husband said no more pill it’s time we started trying for children Even though I was terrified I agreed as I know how much we love kids and how much we love each other. I don’t want us getting old alone and would always want to know there was someone here for my husband apart from me. My husband is an only child with a very small family. Whereas I am a twin and have brothers and step/half sisters and brothers and that is something my husband loves, having a large family.
So anyway I got a clearblue fertility stick to know when I was fertile. First month in January nothing happened no smiley face, I was put off with this and thought maybe something was wrong with my reproductive bits! I mean I am 35 and have left it quite late compared to others to have children. So in February I thought I am not using the stick, it was my husbands birthday and we went away for a short break to Tenerife. We had a lovely break, got to spend some lovely time together and felt very refreshed.
In March I had a 36 day gap for my next period. Then on good friday I decided to use the fertility stick again, The smiley face came up! So the next two days we kept ourselves busy! As soon as bank holiday weekend was over I felt sick, just wanting to puke all the time. My twin had discovered she was pregnant with her first baby too! My twin and mum thought it was hilarious as I was getting her pregnancy symptoms and thought this was great. The weekend after I got to Saturday and felt terrible, sickness nausea feeling. I said to my husband I am going to get a pregnancy test, not believing I was pregnant. So that afternoon after a day out to Ironbridge with my nephew I did my pregnancy test. There it was in clearblue blue that I was pregnant. I could not believe it, my sister was overwhelmed and so excited. I would be a few weeks pregnant behind her. We decided to go with them to the local pub for a few drinks (squash for twins!) to celebrate. When we got back that evening I literally felt that I had wee’d myself. I went to the toilet and I was bleeding. Distraught and scared I called the non emergency number 111 or 101 (brain freeze). The call operator was not the greatest telling me I was breathing heavily and did I have breathing difficulties, not a good thing to say to someone who suffers with anxiety.
A doctor called me back after 45 minutes and told me to come to the A&E. Off we went and after 3 hours or so we saw a doctor, they said my urine was still showing pregnant but it would do so. As I was so early pregnant they could not do a scan for another 3 weeks and I would need to be put on complete bed rest. I may have had a miscarriage. So the same day I found out I was pregnant I was told I could have possibly suffered a miscarriage. This was a lot of emotions to deal with all on the same day.
My husband would not let me do anything. We went home about 2am and I was just exhausted mentally with all that was going on out of my control.
The next two weeks I just sat at home, bleeding worried everytime I went to the toilet and my mum trying to be as strong as she could be and praying thinking that would make it all better. I couldn’t do anything, except go to the toilet alone. My husband cooked for me cleaned me, he was my rock. He protected me with everything he had. I wanted to go to work and he wouldn’t let me, said I would need to wait until the scan. I visited the doctors and she said the same thing.
I had been researching before trying to children about the private options for childbirth due to my anxiety. I came across MUMS in Solihull which offered scans etc and a caesarean option if required. I decided to call my friend Jess and tell her what was going on. She has three small children and has always been there through every difficulty I can think of in my life. She literally came the next day. Telling me to stay calm and that many women in her NCT had bled and it did not mean that you definitely had a miscarriage. I had also taken some advice off another friend who told me to contact MUMS and see what they could do. It took me two days to get the courage to call them. When I did the lady was so nice, just so reassuring, said they could do a blood test (epcg?) and that they would do it again after three days. It would tell them if I was pregnant as the hormones should have doubled or trebled. They got me an appointment the next day. I took my mum and I was so scared. I hate needles, yes I know I am such a baby. I went at 2pm and the owner Mike did my test, he was lovely and tried to keep me calm as possible. I went home glad that I had done it and that in a few days I would know what was going on. That same day I got a call from mums, they had my results. My hormone levels were 77118. I did not understand what that meant. She said it meant I was definetly pregnant and maybe multiple births with the level of hormone. She booked me in for a ultrasound scan but could not get me in until 4/5 days later. I was about to pass out at this point. I thought I had a miscarriage and now I am being told I am definitely pregnant with more than one baby possibly! How I slept through that night I do not know.
Next morning I received a call to say they had a cancellation and calling me in for the scan. Off I went with my husband feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. The women at MUMS were lovely again. The doctor first carried out a ultrasound – there on the big 32 inch screen was a baby, heart beating as fast as anything and we watching with mouths open, overwhelmed. Then they did a vaginal scan. I was a bit apprehensive but to be honest it did not hurt one bit. By doing that it was a much better picture where you could see everything. The 3/4 weeks pregnant I thought I was, I wasn’t. There was only one baby but I was 8 weeks pregnant. That holiday we went to in February thats when I got pregnant just before. I was relieved there was only one. I came out feeling a lot calmer and relieved that baby was in the right place with a heart beat and the bleeding was due to old blood above the baby sac and nothing to worry about whatsoever.
I cannot believe I did not call the MUMS team before. Two weeks of sitting there waiting and scared and I could have known what was going on way before.
So next few days it was getting use to the fact I was pregnant, feeling anxious with what was going on.
I am now more calmer and feel more in control. This has taken me a while because of my anxiety and apprehension but I feel it all takes time to settle down. At the moment 2nd December we will be having our very own sweet pea.<3
mysweetpeababy 